Fat Dogs and Fit Humans

Clyde had a rough week.   He managed to break one of his fangs on chain link fence while trying to get at his nemesis, Chet the rooster.  We took him to the vet on Saturday wondering what could be done and how much it would cost us.  Clyde made fast friends with the Australian vet tech who seemed to be pretty fond of Blue Heelers.  Everything was going really well until I announced that Clyde was almost 70 pounds and I didn't think Australian Cattle Dogs were supposed to get much bigger than 45 lbs.  Turns out Clyde is clinically obese and his days of free feeding while we are at work are over, he'll be on one cup rations morning and night for the foreseeable future.  Adding to wide Clyde's misfortune, the veterinarian noticed the limp in his back leg that seems to come and go with no rhyme or reason.  Could be his knee or foot, we had his hips X-rayed when we first noticed the limp almost 2 years ago and nothing looked wrong with them.  So Clyde is now on a diet, taking glucosamine chondrotin pills and will be getting a silver tooth cap as soon as the vet can find one for him.  We were hoping for a gold or platinum tooth with some bling in it but he'd probably just wreck it chewing on the chicken fence.

April and I have grown tired of growing fat like Clyde (and the rest of Caldwell County) and decided to do something about it.  Our answer? P90X!  A couple of my dudes at work had started the program and after hearing what they had to say about it and watching them eat nothing but tuna, boiled chicken breasts and muscle milk for lunch every day this year; I decided to get on board the fitness train before it left the station.  We had originally planned on getting up super early to do the workouts at 5am before Munty wakes up, but sleep is a precious resource so we have given up our sacred evening TV and internet time in order to exercise for 60-90 minutes after she goes down to sleep at 7:30 instead.  We are almost 2 weeks in and feeling better and starting to see some changes already.  Clyde goes outside and sits on the porch with Otto when we work out, neither of them wants a six pack apparently.  I was trying to do a slow carb diet from The Four Hour Body by Tim Ferris along with the workouts but I soon discovered there is a limit to how many beans and whey protein powder shakes I can cram down my maw.  After 3 days of beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I opted to diversify a bit on the carbs.  My co-workers will be thankful I'm sure.

April and I got a new storm door for Christmas from her folks.  When we bought our actual front door 2 years ago, I wanted something that could withstand an attack by zombie bikers or mutant rednecks; so I opted for a steel door.  The guy at Lowe's told me we should get fiberglass instead since it would not get dented or scratched, but I looked over at April and was all like, "Yeah, but will fiberglass stop an AXE?"  She rolled her eyes and gave me the look that says you are a moron but I don't want you asking the Lowe's guy what door would better withstand an assault by zombie bikers so I am gonna let you win this one.  Anyways, the Lowe's guy was right; Clyde has been scratching the ever loving crap out of my steel front door.  Sometimes because he wants to be let back in when it's cold and sometimes because Blue Heelers are just jerks who do stuff like that to get back at you for putting them on a diet.  I don't think his claws are sharp enough to scratch glass, but I'm sure he will give it his best shot.  Back to the new storm door, our front door is narrow, only 32 inches wide; so we had to special order the storm door from Lowe's and wait three weeks for it to come in.  During our bible study on Sunday, we got the call that our new door had arrived.  I drove my truck to work on Monday so I could pick up the door after work.  I keep a few 50 lb hardened blocks of Quik-crete over my back axle in the winter for better traction in the snow & ice.  I was going to load the door so it hung over the tailgate but I thought if I hit any bumps that it might crack the glass.  I decided to move the cement blocks to the corners of the truck bed and lay the storm door flat, it seemed like the smart thing to do.  On the way home, the air was thick with fog and drizzly.  I took a turn with a little too much speed and hit a pothole which catapulted one of the cement blocks high into the air coming down with amazing accuracy smack in the middle of the all glass storm door.  I quickly turned around as it sounded like a meteorite had landed in the back of my truck and saw a block of concrete resting on the top of the storm door box.  I decided to just get home and wait to find out if the worst had happened.  It had.  I thought it would be a tough sell to try and return the door to Lowe's, "Well there must have been some sort of mishap in the warehouse, maybe a wrecking ball?"  The box was crushed in the center and had concrete dust embedded in it, I wondered if my credit card might have some type of insurance for acts of old testament God.  April googled the manufacturer of the storm door and it stated clearly that they do not offer any replacement glass for their doors, it seemed like we were looking at ordering a whole new door.  I decided to call them anyways and throw myself at their mercy.  Turns out the model we had, the 6000 series, was the only one you could get replacement glass for.  Thank heaven for small favors.  The new glass is on the way and April is planning on going with me to pick it up, just in case we run into any mutant rednecks...or potholes.

 Matildabeast & her clinically obese amigo

Overheard in Lenoir - Holiday Edition

One lucky redneck's gonna smell sexy this Christmas
Old lady barges in front of us & hands an Axe Body Spray gift set to the Walmart greeter:
"I gotta go get a cart, but this here's the last one of these in Caldwell County and I cain't have nobody taking it!"

Damn your alluring aroma Justin Bieber...
2 middle aged women peruse the perfume counter at Belk
Lady #1: (holds up tester) "Smell it? That's Bieber."

Lady #2: "Mmnn...smells good!"

Lady #1: "This uns Taylor Swift"

Lady #2: "Hold on, I still got Bieber up my nose."


As sassy as they wanna be
Grandmother & Granddaughter looking for clothes in Magic Mart
Granddaughter: "Mawmaw, you gots to git you somma these fuzzy pants!  They're only $5.99!"
Grandma: "I don't think anybody's behind should be advertising that it's "SASSY"...especially mine."

Columbus' direct route to India finally starts paying dividends
Lady checking out the spice selection at Aldi
"Koo-mun, Ginger, Curry...I cain't believe they got all these exotic spices for only .99 cents!"

Worley's Cave

The incredible, infrequently updated adventures of MatildaBeast

Parenting, much like pimping, ain't easy. Caring for our daughter, two dogs, 30 chickens & 20 acres is one big time suck; especially coupled with full-time employment & managing 16 fantasy football teams. The days melt into weeks into months until now Thanksgiving has past and we are 30 days from our daughter's first Christmas. I had saved my last week of vacation and applied it over the last 4 Fridays so I got a month of three day weekends. We tried to do something fun on Fridays before working on the farm Saturday and resting Sunday. We took Matilda to the Rennaissance Fair, drove west through Brevard & Highlands & did a 7 mile hike in South Mountains State Park with the dogs. We felled and split and stacked 3 huge oak trees into a 10 year supply of firewood. We pulled up the garden, composted most of what was left and hung the remaining peppers in the garage to dry. We mowed and mowed and raked the torrential downpour of leaves into some semblance of mulch for the orchard. Gutters were cleaned and cleared until the leaves stopped falling. Most of all, we enjoyed our time with Matilda...


the MatildaBeast on my childhood blanket

at the Renaissance Faire

the crew on a glorious autumn afternoon

the beginnings of a second woodpile

hiking through South Mountain State Park

first leaf

Grilled Pizzas From the Farm

Homemade Dough

Margherita Pizza: homemade sauce from our organic Roma tomatoes, home-grown organic basil, mozzarella cheese

Home-grown organic "Sunshine" tomatoes, goat cheese, and our organic Roma tomato sauce

Sun-dried tomatoes, bacon, mozzarella, and our organic Roma tomato sauce

Blue cheese, mozzarella cheese, fried garlic, two of our organic/free-range chicken eggs, fresh black pepper, and our organic Roma tomato sauce

Seven Weeks In

I am now entering my seventh week in the captivity of two giants. My attempts to communicate with them have been fruitless so far, despite trying varying the volume and frequency of my cries they appear to understand nothing. My every request is met with one of four standard responses: grabbing me and holding me at great altitude, removing my underpants and replacing them with a new pair, patting my back mercilessly with their giant paws or most often offering the same white liquid as a meal over and over again. It is clear that they have an excess of this gruel since the female giant usually pumps out extra after feeding me and then saves it for later in their cold storage closet. They clearly do not enjoy consuming this white fluid themselves as I never see either giant partaking of it, instead they feast on meats and cheeses and chocolate chip cookies. Although I have requested some of these giant foods many times, the ignorant beasts refuse to offer me any. My frustration grows until by evening time my only recourse is to wail relentlessly and shatter the peace & quiet they attempt to maintain in their lair. I am also now conducting experiments into the interruption of their sleep cycles by arising at various times throughout the night shrieking and force them (especially the smaller giant) to feed me or replace my undergarments in a zombie like stupor. I am hopeful that by depriving them of regular rest they may get sloppy and allow me a better chance of escape. The giants also keep two large hairy beasts in captivity who spend most of their time laying about and eating some gross variety of pelletized food and the occasional table scrap. These shaggy brutes seem to have had their spirits broken as they happily follow the giants around and do not attempt to escape even when they are released outside without supervision. They appear utterly stupid, especially the grey one with the vacant look in his eyes who runs in circles around the yard barking and howling at nothing in particular. The black beast appears older and slightly wiser, very economical with his movements and less prone to hysteria but my attempts to glean information on the giants security procedures have been unsuccessful. I am unsure if he is loyal to the giants or just cannot understand me but he seems content to remain in captivity rather than forming an alliance wedding his mobility with my superior intellect. I find it most unfortunate that I will not be riding off into the sweet sunset of freedom on his arthritic back.

The giants are easily amused and spend a great many hours staring at a screen with ever-changing colors and forms. The male giant especially enjoys watching other giants in garishly colored uniforms and padding running and crashing into one another and usually spends the better part of Sunday afternoon tabulating how many points the crashes are worth on his computer. The woman giant tries to put me in a mechanical swing so she can play some type of game where she attempts to replicate the postures and motions of other female giants on the screen all the while grunting and sweating profusely. I think I have heard her call it exercise but I have no idea what the giants intend to accomplish with their strange behaviors, although mostly tedious sometimes observing them can be fairly entertaining. One thing I especially enjoy is when they wrap me in the fabric straightjacket and allow me outside into the fresh air and sunlight, I find solace with the other captives whom the giants call "chickens" who are kept to provide the giants with white rocks that they crack open and prepare meals with. I, too, create delightful things from my bottom yet the giants just throw them away with my disposable underpants. Perhaps if I can learn to produce these white rocks, I can get moved outside with the chickens and have a better chance of escape...


our little jailbird in pink stripes

Return from Hiatus: "The Family"

Little Lady

The big brother

The middle child

So relaxed

First evening outing to "Music on the Lawn" in Blowing Rock

 

Matilda Rose

Highland Games & Pool Dogs

baby mama

check out the dude eating haggis behind the caber carrier

heave-ho

so close...yet so far

aqua aerobics for seniors

the love boat

chopping okra from the garden

homegrown fried green tomatoes & fried okra

Overheard at the Diner (Fourth of July Weekend)

How Southern pronunciation defeats naming your Mexican child "Angel"
Waitress at the breakfast joint:
Have ya'll decided what you're gonna name your baby yet?
April:
Nope, we're still thinking on it. We've got a few ideas, but we want to see what she looks like first.
Waitress:
I work at the school during the week and we have this little Mexican boy named "Aw-Hell"
Aint't that the strangest thing to call someone? All the kids just keep saying his name over and over, "AW-HELL, AW-HELL"...till we have to tell em to stop. Some of the teachers do too...

Clearly a woman with a discerning palate
Lady in the booth across from us:
I likes me some fried squirrel real good, but I can't stand the taste of no squirrel gravy...

One of the few things I'm not too interested in a discount on...
New Billboard on 321N just past Kirby Mountain Rd:
DISCOUNT ZIP LINE!




On the most important meal of the day:
Disgruntled Dad gets up and goes to pay bill...
Mommy:
Daddy's mad cause you ordered a big breakfast and didn't eat a single bite. He's going to get you a box so you can eat it later.
Three year old boy:
I'm not going to be hungry today
Mommy:
Oh, I think you will be hungry... and if you don't eat it today we'll give it to you for breakfast tomorrow.
Three year old boy:
It's not going to be any good tomorrow
Mommy:
{Facepalm}