Overheard in Caldwell County

On filling the emptiness
Lady at Sam's Club sample table offering Atkin's Diet Snack Bars: "We have Dark Chocolate Decadence, Peanut Butter Crisp, Cinnamon Bun, Caramel Chew..."
Large Woman waiting in line to try them: "Oh my gawd! Which one is the most filling!?!"

On revenge minus motivation
Neighbor explaining what he'd like to do to the dude who ditched his pregnant sister a week before she was due to give birth:"I'd kill that son of a bitch...if I didn't have to go find him."

On naming our baby daughter
Helpful mother of April's co-worker: "You can even make a girl's name out of a guy's name. You just take a name and add a different ending What's your daddy's name?"
April: "Carroll."
Helpful mother: "How about Carolnette? That's pretty!"

On saving money on your electric bill
Electric Company Field Service Technician: "Sir, what's with the insulated box you seem to have built around your electric meter and the heat lamp you have rigged up facing the meter?"
Creative old man: "Well I noticed my 'letric meter runs too fast when it gets cold outside, so Imma tryin' to keep it nice and warm!"

On aging and losing one's vision
Patient's grandaughter: "Granny can't see so good anymore; she's got them Cadillacs in her eyes!"

On Google Voice's continued inability to understand a southern accent
Customer leaving a message to see if we have eggs for sale: "Jon, we's calling to see if you got the AIDSs yet...Give us a call back if you got AIDs to sell.