Once Upon a May weekend

When we finally sat down on the freshly mowed grass by the chicken coop late Sunday afternoon, I realized what a blessedly wonderful weekend it had been.  Watching Matilda grinning as she alternated between pulling up grass and pulling out Otto's back hair, watching Clyde and Chet the Rooster do battle, enjoying a beer with my wife underneath a Carolina blue sky; it was about as good as it gets.  We laid back and watched clouds like a pulled apart cotton ball drift by overhead, hearing the distant, happy chirps of the newly arrived baby chicks from the house and talked about how many hundreds of apartment dwellers would fit in that space were we still in San Francisco.

Gazing up at pulled cotton and Carolina blue

Friday night.  We had been jonesing for pizza all week long, coming dangerously close to making midnight runs to Domino's on two occasions since they don't deliver to our hollow.  We considered our options.  It can be really tough to get some decent pizza and a beer around here.  April had been talking up a spot in Hickory called Bistro 127 ever since she went there for her office Christmas party last year.  One thing I really enjoy is the drive on our secret backroads shortcut into the "city"; especially on a warm spring evening.  Bistro 127 does tapas & gourmet pizza, home brewed beer as Loe's Brewing Co. and in the mornings they make fresh doughnuts and sell them under the nom de beignet, Daylight Doughnuts.  We got an outside table, plugged the Matilda Beast into a high chair, ordered a house salad with orange champagne vinaigrette and two beers.  A porter for April and a stein beer for me, made by throwing hot rocks in the brew to caramelize the sugars in the beer creating a deep red color and smooth finish.  The pizza options were mind boggling, we went with two small pizzas in an attempt to taste the rainbow.  I went for the pizza rustica with olive oil,  spinach, caramelized onion, kalamata olives, mozzarella, & Ripshin Dairy goat cheese.  My wife opted for the black and blue with tenderloin, dijon cream sauce, mushrooms, blue cheese, & mozzarella.  Both were awesome with that thin crispy crust that you only get in wood oven and just enough cheese to bind the toppings to that crust without getting puddles of grease.  A perfect meal to kick off a perfect weekend.

Saturday morning.  Waking up late is something that seemed like a God given right from college straight thru our half decade of hedonism in San Francisco.  Now waking up late means whoever gets to lay in bed for 5 extra minutes while the other person mixes up a bottle and fetches Matilda from her crib.  This Saturday morning was more like a gift from God because it was so unexpected.  Matilda slept through the night and when we brought her into our bed for her morning bottle, she fell back asleep and so did we until after 10 o'clock.  It was frickin sweet.  When I did finally roll out of bed and trudged out to the coop to free the captive chickens (who were clucking like, "does that fool have any idea what time it is!?!") the air was warm and pleasant; every plant in sight was vibrant and beautiful.  From the highlighter yellow dragon flowers in the barrel beside our front door to the rose bushes approaching Shaq-like heights, the heavy rains and hot sun have shifted everything containing chlorophyll into overdrive.

fluorescent yellow dragon flowers

our friendliest hen in the rose garden in front of the garage

Once I had pants on, Clyde & I took a truckload of garbage and recycling to the dump, filled the jerry can with gas for the mower and picked up a Sundrop and Dr. Enuf to give our day a caffeinated jump start.  The Sundrop was for April; Clyde, our Blue Heeler, is more of a Marlboro and moonshine kind of guy.  When I got home mowed our front pasture down from knee high to the #1 setting on my Craftsman riding mower.  It took 2 hours to mow 3 acres because I had to make two passes to get the grass to kneel before Zod.  I think it looked pretty close to a putting green when I saw the view off our front porch after I finished.

front pasture - par 3

I had to call it early on farm work Saturday because we were going to a farewell party for the the good doctor my wife has been working with since we moved here in 2009.  We drove out Highway 18 towards Wilkesboro til we got halfway to the middle of nowhere and made a right, then followed the state road til it became dirt and arrived at our destination.  We added our folding chairs to a growing horseshoe of them next to a cozy cabin and a meandering, crystalline creek that you could see clear through to it's butterscotch sandy bottom.

hayride

the horseshoe

Miss Matilda & Jamie

It was paradise.  Chicken was on the grill, children were playing in the grass and the adults were making small talk before embarking on a hayride.  Yes, a hayride.  I had never been on one before and was way more excited than the children.  The tractor pulled us along behind in a wooden cart that creaked and groaned up every hill and around every turn.  We crept past a man-made lake, an old family graveyard, a covered bridge and waist-high seas of grass.  Matilda was passed around the cart to be fawned over and chattered happily as she took in the scenery and affection.  Upon returning to the cabin and BBQ, we partook of a potluck dinner to which April had contributed deviled eggs from our chickens with jalapenos, cilantro and sun dried tomatoes.  We feasted on chicken, baked potatoes, fresh salad and I even saved room for a brownie and whoopie pie.  After dinner, our host broke out his guitar and sang a few tradtional folk songs like "If my nose ran money, I'd blow it all on you;" before he led us in a couple of hymns "Amazing Grace" & "Victory in Jesus."  It was everything I had dreamt North Carolina would be before we moved here.  A mid summer night's dream in the middle of May.

Sunday morning. We slept in, not as late as Saturday, but late enough to feel rested and ready to get to work.  After a bowl of Raisin Bran, I mounted my cherry red Craftsman steed and got to mowing the highest, most overgrown grass of all in the back peach orchard.  April came out to check on me after an hour and a half and was shocked at how little progress I had made.  It was taking three passes to get the stubborn grass to lay down and I was feeling the tingling beginnings of a sunburn on my knees and face.  I asked April to take over the riding mower while I walked back to the garage to fetch the weedwacker to cut in around the trees where the mower couldn't get.  While I wacked weeds, she managed to mow down a 4 inch tall fuji apple seedling hidden in the tall grass but she successfully avoided the obstacle course of groundhog holes, peach tree stumps and large rocks I use to mark them.  Mowing the back orchard can be a pretty mental exercise in recalling a mental map of these dangers, usually seconds before I wreck the mower's blades on them.  April got a big patch mowed down before she had to relinquish control of the mower to go back and check on Matilda.  I finished up mowing until I had the grass about as even as it was gonna get back there.

just after I gave the grass a tight fade

Wang, the Sumatran fighting cock

the blue heeler from banner elk

I parked the mower in the carport and walked in the house to the smell of something delicious cooking for lunch.  April had asiago chicken burgers with carmelized onions sizzling in a lodge pan on the stove.  As we sat down to eat, I checked my phone and saw I had missed a call from a weird number.  I listened to the voicemail informing me that our baby chicks had arrived in Hickory after leaving Iowa at 5am that morning, it said I could pick them up after 2pm or wait until they arrived in Lenoir the next day.  I still hadn't even started getting the second kitchen prepared for the lil biddies, so after lunch April and I lugged a huge stainless steel feed trough from the chicken coop to the driveway and hosed it clean.  We scrubbed dirt and dust off feeders and waterers and the heat lamp, misted the heat and sweat off our bodies, grabbed Matilda and hopped into April's car to head for Hickory.  We made a pit stop at the Tractor Supply to grab some chick feed & wood shavings (and some treats for Otto with glucosamine for his aching joints) and finally got to the postal sorting facility in Newton to pick up our chicks.  I was so excited to show Matilda her new friends, I cracked the box open and selected one to show her, stretching to reach into the back seat.  Her reaction was amazing, she reached out a tiny finger and gently stroked the fuzzy chick's head.  I was filled with a father's pride at my little farm girl, taking to her flock so naturally and easily.  Of course, her next move was to clamp her little fist around the bird's neck until I could pry her death grip open.  So no more lil fuzzies visited Matilda in the backseat until we got home and I could properly supervise.  After unloading the car, we sat on the floor of our second kitchen with Matilda and the birds.  The look on her face was priceless.

CHICKS!

happy to be free of the box they shipped in

We made a point of handling each baby chick, gently stroking them until their eyes closed and they seemed content to sit in our palms.  Then showed Matilda how to touch them like E.T. phoning home and even let Clyde kiss them.  I think I saw him licking his lips once or twice, but even though he is a rude redneck from Banner Elk, he is extraordinarily gentle with babies of the human or avian extraction.  After we had their new home setup with food, water and heat lamp; we left them to chill out and settle in.  I cleaned out the big chickens coop, scraping the poo off the perches and laying down a fresh layer of sawdust, refilling their feeders with cracked corn and making sure their waterers were full of the clean, clear stuff.  I collected 4 dozen or so eggs and brought them inside to the fridge, the sight of our last two beers inspired me to call it a day.  April had no arguments against a little family time on the freshly mowed lawn by the chicken coop and we trekked back there with Matilda on my shoulders and the dogs bringing up the rear.  We talked of what we had accomplished the weekend, our life in San Francisco and watched the dogs watching the chickens.  Otto settled by Matilda and let her grab fistfuls of his fur without complaint, Clyde and Chet the rooster did battle repeatedly and life was good.  The sun sunk low behind the oak trees and our perfect weekend drew to a close.

rub me human

family time

Matilda's First Easter

ready for my first Easter Sunday

with Mom after church

wearing my Easter dress and new shoes

waving from my horse

loving my new duck galoshes and overalls

ready to read

Springing Forward & The Thrusty Brothers

The redbuds are sprouting from bare limbs, peach trees are blooming into delicate pink-white flowers and the roosters are fornicating furiously.  Spring has arrived.  The apple trees in the front have been pruned, much less severely than last year.  Two apple trees I killed with overzealous pruning last year have been cut down, sawed into pieces and stacked into an evergrowing pile for a bonfire.  Many of our peach trees have been suffering from cytospora canker which causes an amber sap to ooze forth from the bark and the peaches themselves.  It also leaves the bark looking fire damaged and severely reduces the quantity and quality of the peaches.  After trying to fight it organically for two years with neem oil and copper; I have begun to cut down some of the worst trees to make room for replacements.  I love peaches but they are fickle mistresses, prone to a multitude of diseases and do far better in a drier, less humid climate.  The dry woody canes that produced blackberries and raspberries last year have been pulled out to make room for the new green shoots that will bear fruit this year.  Our first grapevine is now 2 years old and has spead out like a giant squid to cover the entire trellis it shares with the berries, I trimmed it back to a denser more compact shape which will hopefully spur new growth and more grapes this year.  Two of our new trees have already arrived via UPS and been planted in the orchard.  A 3-in-one pear tree which has Chojuro, Shinseiki and Hosui pears and doesn't need another tree for pollination and a cold hardy Mericrest nectarine tree.  It will be 5 to 10 years before the trees are in full production but we joke that they are our retirement plan.  I sowed grass seed in the fenced chicken run which had been eaten down to bare earth over the last year and have been letting the birds run free range again to allow the grass a chance to sprout and grow before I let them back in.  So far, the roosters and dogs have been doing a great job keeping the predators at bay, no losses at all to report.

We have ordered a new shipment of poultry from Murray McMurray, 25 stout brown egg laying chicks to create a better hen to rooster ratio in the coop.  All 3 of the chicks I hatched from eggs last year have grown into magnificent, insatiably lecherous roosters.  We have taken to calling this group of horny teenagers, the Thrusty Brothers.  As a consequence some of the more attractive hens have been mounted and trodden on so many times they have bald spots on their backs and are in desperate need of saddles or a few extra gals around the coop for the men to divide their attentions amongst.  Our pin headed Sumatran rooster has assumed the role of second in command below King Chet and vigorously defends his ladies' honor from the advances of the Thrusty Brothers.

Wang, the Sumatran Rooster

We enjoy watching him chase the brothers all over the yard; when he is not doing his goofy side step shuffle and sidling up to the hens himself.  Right now we are at 22 hens to 5 roosters; ideally we are shooting for at least 8 hens per rooster.  There is so much testosterone out in the coop, I wouldn't be surprised if I walked in on the roosters doing bench presses and blasting Metallica or rebuilding a Camaro.

Two of the Thrusty Bros.

 Clyde used to only have beef with King Chet, but as the Brothers Thrusty have gotten bigger and more hormonal they have taken to going after him en masse.  I really need to get some video of the terror stricken look in Clyde's eyes as he flees from the 3 formerly docile roosters as half-run, half fly low with their combs fluttering in the wind like battleflags and their necks poised to peck him in his "no-zone".   I'm pretty sure I caught Otto grinning as Clyde streaked past with the 3 roosters in hot pursuit.  Anyways, the new additions this year will all be lady birds to balance out the coop.

Dark Brahmas - Large gentle chickens with striking plumage color in black and silvery white for males and beautiful silver penciled steel gray for females. Developed from Asiatic fowl brought to New England by China clipper ships in the last century.

Partridge Rocks - Quite rare, these are fairly good sized birds though not quite as large as their cousins, the Barred and White Rocks.  The females have brown plumage and distinct pencilings of black following the outline of each feather.  Hens lay brown eggs, and are considered one of the best setters and broody hens.

Dark Cornish - Originating from Cornwall, England. They are unique because of their thick, compact bodies, unusually wide backs, and broad, deep breasts. The hens are nice layers of firm-shelled brown eggs and wonderfully hardy. This variety will come as close as any to rustling for themselves under rough conditions and also make good setters and mothers. Another very distinctive character is the close fitting, rather hard textured feathers with unusual luster and brilliance. The close feathering and compact build will fool you on weight; they are always much heavier than they look.

 Buff Orphingtons - The color of pure gold they are symbolic of great value and high quality. Introduced from England in the late 1800's, they became one of the most popular farm fowls in this country. These are large, stately birds of quiet disposition. Their heavy, full plumage make them excellent winter layers, shelling out brown eggs right through cold weather. They also make excellent setters and mothers.

Blue Andulusians - These beautiful blue fowl originated in Andalusia, a province of Spain, but have long been known in England and the United States. They are magnificent to look at with their graceful, stately carriage and delicately blue-laced plumage.  The ideal feather color is a beautiful slatey blue with a narrow lacing of darker blue. Andalusian hens are fine layers of white or slightly tinted eggs with very little tendency towards broodiness.

We are dreaming of sitting under a stout wooden arbor covered in a leafy green canopy of grapes and berries enjoying a cool beverage.  I have been reading a book my grandma sent me on primitive architecture (Architecture without Architects) and imagining using some of the larger tree limbs as posts and crossbeams for the arbor.  I linger over pictures of  spartan Spanish castles, Japanese Shinto gates and cavernous thatched huts build from bundles of reeds in Iraq.  I allow the image of our landscape littered with a assortment of these structures to creep in and take hold of my brain.  If I were to come into a vast fortune somehow, I would transform our 23 acres into a redneck version of the Quinta da Regaleira that we have visited twice in Sintra, Portugal.  Conceived by Antonio Agosto Carvalho Monteiro aka Monteiro dos Milhões (Monteiro the Millionaire) and designed by an Italian architect named Luigi Manini (who bears an uncanny resemblance to my best friend, Chris Taylor)

Luigi Manini

Wikipedia describes the palatial estate:

"Monteiro wished to build a bewildering place where he could gather symbols that would reflect his interests and ideologies. With the assistance of the Italian architect Luigi Manini, he designed the 10 acre estate with its enigmatic buildings, believed to hide symbols related to alchemy, Masonry, the Knights Templar, and the Rosicrucians.  It consists of a romantic palace and chapel, and a luxurious park featuring lakes, grottoes, caves, wells, benches, fountains, and a vast array of exquisite constructions.  The architecture of the estate evokes Roman, Gothic, Renaissance and Manueline architectural styles.

Besides being the most beautiful & magical locations I have ever seen with my own eyes, we visited the Quinta the day that Matilda was conceived so it will always hold a special place in my heart.  I know I can't build my own, especially without Monteiro's millions, but the balance it strikes between natural beauty and a landscape created with human hands is perfect.  It inspires me to work for our land as a steward while building structures that complement and add to the beauty of our acres on the ridge.  I think every man desires to leave something behind when he departs this earth, something that will live on to be enjoyed and appreciated by future generations.  After I started this rambling post I came across another inspiration, Ferdinand Cheval and his Palais Ideal; a palace he built by himself out of stones he found.  My contribtion to future generations may not prove to be so elegant or well built, but there'll be a big ol pile of rocks and sticks somewhere up here by golly...

East Facade of Le Palais Ideal

Overheard in Caldwell County: April's Edition

Champagne Wishes & Caviar Dreams

April loads a can of organic baby formula onto the checkout stand at drugstore.

Teenage Register Kid with 3 pack-a-day voice:  Dang lady, yer baby’s got expensive tastes.

April:  Well, this is just to supplement nursing so it will last a while.

Register Kid:  Still… you should try an’ make yer baby like something cheaper.

April:  I’ll take that into consideration.

Just like Jane Goodall & the Chimps

April: Do you have any hobbies or interests?

Teen girl:  I like to do stuff for the environment.  Like, I drink a lot of Cokes in the white cans 'cuz it helps save the polar bears.

April:  Oh.

Do They Make a Supplement For That?

April (upon entering health food store):  Hi, I’m looking for the homeopathic teething medicine for babies.

Middle aged clerk (Simpsons Comic Book Guy doppelganger):  There (points at shelf)… I fixed it so I can’t have kids unfortunately.

April (trying to not make eye contact):  Uhh…yeah?

Middle aged clerk:  Yeah, me and my friends used to do things that made Jackass look like a bunch of grandmas.  My friend and I jumped our dirt bikes at each other one time, and they locked up together.  My leg got caught, and even though I was wearing a cup, it shattered and my testicles got jammed up into my body.

April (studying the fish oil intently):  Ouch.

Middle aged clerk:  Yeah they had to take a metal hook and pull them out of my abdomen (pantomimes said operation at groin)… and I hurt my ankle too.  I had to walk a mile and a half out of there ‘cause they couldn’t get an ambulance to me.  You know anything about the Jersey Turnpike?  We were riding on the marshland beside it.  Yeah, I remember every step of that walk…

April (quickly hands money to clerk):  Thanks, have a good day.

AAAHHH! The many faces of Matilda...

Fat Dogs and Fit Humans

Clyde had a rough week.   He managed to break one of his fangs on chain link fence while trying to get at his nemesis, Chet the rooster.  We took him to the vet on Saturday wondering what could be done and how much it would cost us.  Clyde made fast friends with the Australian vet tech who seemed to be pretty fond of Blue Heelers.  Everything was going really well until I announced that Clyde was almost 70 pounds and I didn't think Australian Cattle Dogs were supposed to get much bigger than 45 lbs.  Turns out Clyde is clinically obese and his days of free feeding while we are at work are over, he'll be on one cup rations morning and night for the foreseeable future.  Adding to wide Clyde's misfortune, the veterinarian noticed the limp in his back leg that seems to come and go with no rhyme or reason.  Could be his knee or foot, we had his hips X-rayed when we first noticed the limp almost 2 years ago and nothing looked wrong with them.  So Clyde is now on a diet, taking glucosamine chondrotin pills and will be getting a silver tooth cap as soon as the vet can find one for him.  We were hoping for a gold or platinum tooth with some bling in it but he'd probably just wreck it chewing on the chicken fence.

April and I have grown tired of growing fat like Clyde (and the rest of Caldwell County) and decided to do something about it.  Our answer? P90X!  A couple of my dudes at work had started the program and after hearing what they had to say about it and watching them eat nothing but tuna, boiled chicken breasts and muscle milk for lunch every day this year; I decided to get on board the fitness train before it left the station.  We had originally planned on getting up super early to do the workouts at 5am before Munty wakes up, but sleep is a precious resource so we have given up our sacred evening TV and internet time in order to exercise for 60-90 minutes after she goes down to sleep at 7:30 instead.  We are almost 2 weeks in and feeling better and starting to see some changes already.  Clyde goes outside and sits on the porch with Otto when we work out, neither of them wants a six pack apparently.  I was trying to do a slow carb diet from The Four Hour Body by Tim Ferris along with the workouts but I soon discovered there is a limit to how many beans and whey protein powder shakes I can cram down my maw.  After 3 days of beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I opted to diversify a bit on the carbs.  My co-workers will be thankful I'm sure.

April and I got a new storm door for Christmas from her folks.  When we bought our actual front door 2 years ago, I wanted something that could withstand an attack by zombie bikers or mutant rednecks; so I opted for a steel door.  The guy at Lowe's told me we should get fiberglass instead since it would not get dented or scratched, but I looked over at April and was all like, "Yeah, but will fiberglass stop an AXE?"  She rolled her eyes and gave me the look that says you are a moron but I don't want you asking the Lowe's guy what door would better withstand an assault by zombie bikers so I am gonna let you win this one.  Anyways, the Lowe's guy was right; Clyde has been scratching the ever loving crap out of my steel front door.  Sometimes because he wants to be let back in when it's cold and sometimes because Blue Heelers are just jerks who do stuff like that to get back at you for putting them on a diet.  I don't think his claws are sharp enough to scratch glass, but I'm sure he will give it his best shot.  Back to the new storm door, our front door is narrow, only 32 inches wide; so we had to special order the storm door from Lowe's and wait three weeks for it to come in.  During our bible study on Sunday, we got the call that our new door had arrived.  I drove my truck to work on Monday so I could pick up the door after work.  I keep a few 50 lb hardened blocks of Quik-crete over my back axle in the winter for better traction in the snow & ice.  I was going to load the door so it hung over the tailgate but I thought if I hit any bumps that it might crack the glass.  I decided to move the cement blocks to the corners of the truck bed and lay the storm door flat, it seemed like the smart thing to do.  On the way home, the air was thick with fog and drizzly.  I took a turn with a little too much speed and hit a pothole which catapulted one of the cement blocks high into the air coming down with amazing accuracy smack in the middle of the all glass storm door.  I quickly turned around as it sounded like a meteorite had landed in the back of my truck and saw a block of concrete resting on the top of the storm door box.  I decided to just get home and wait to find out if the worst had happened.  It had.  I thought it would be a tough sell to try and return the door to Lowe's, "Well there must have been some sort of mishap in the warehouse, maybe a wrecking ball?"  The box was crushed in the center and had concrete dust embedded in it, I wondered if my credit card might have some type of insurance for acts of old testament God.  April googled the manufacturer of the storm door and it stated clearly that they do not offer any replacement glass for their doors, it seemed like we were looking at ordering a whole new door.  I decided to call them anyways and throw myself at their mercy.  Turns out the model we had, the 6000 series, was the only one you could get replacement glass for.  Thank heaven for small favors.  The new glass is on the way and April is planning on going with me to pick it up, just in case we run into any mutant rednecks...or potholes.

 Matildabeast & her clinically obese amigo

Overheard in Lenoir - Holiday Edition

One lucky redneck's gonna smell sexy this Christmas
Old lady barges in front of us & hands an Axe Body Spray gift set to the Walmart greeter:
"I gotta go get a cart, but this here's the last one of these in Caldwell County and I cain't have nobody taking it!"

Damn your alluring aroma Justin Bieber...
2 middle aged women peruse the perfume counter at Belk
Lady #1: (holds up tester) "Smell it? That's Bieber."

Lady #2: "Mmnn...smells good!"

Lady #1: "This uns Taylor Swift"

Lady #2: "Hold on, I still got Bieber up my nose."


As sassy as they wanna be
Grandmother & Granddaughter looking for clothes in Magic Mart
Granddaughter: "Mawmaw, you gots to git you somma these fuzzy pants!  They're only $5.99!"
Grandma: "I don't think anybody's behind should be advertising that it's "SASSY"...especially mine."

Columbus' direct route to India finally starts paying dividends
Lady checking out the spice selection at Aldi
"Koo-mun, Ginger, Curry...I cain't believe they got all these exotic spices for only .99 cents!"

Worley's Cave

The incredible, infrequently updated adventures of MatildaBeast

Parenting, much like pimping, ain't easy. Caring for our daughter, two dogs, 30 chickens & 20 acres is one big time suck; especially coupled with full-time employment & managing 16 fantasy football teams. The days melt into weeks into months until now Thanksgiving has past and we are 30 days from our daughter's first Christmas. I had saved my last week of vacation and applied it over the last 4 Fridays so I got a month of three day weekends. We tried to do something fun on Fridays before working on the farm Saturday and resting Sunday. We took Matilda to the Rennaissance Fair, drove west through Brevard & Highlands & did a 7 mile hike in South Mountains State Park with the dogs. We felled and split and stacked 3 huge oak trees into a 10 year supply of firewood. We pulled up the garden, composted most of what was left and hung the remaining peppers in the garage to dry. We mowed and mowed and raked the torrential downpour of leaves into some semblance of mulch for the orchard. Gutters were cleaned and cleared until the leaves stopped falling. Most of all, we enjoyed our time with Matilda...


the MatildaBeast on my childhood blanket

at the Renaissance Faire

the crew on a glorious autumn afternoon

the beginnings of a second woodpile

hiking through South Mountain State Park

first leaf